Romance...Ick
by Joyous Spring
Summary: A Mini-series of humorous romance stories invlolving Zim, Dib, GIR, and...uh.. Meredith.
1. HEAD SPOOLINGS

Invader ZIM  
  
Romance...Ick-Part 1: HEAD SPOOLINGS  
  
Written By: Joy Jarose  
  
Author's Note:  
This series is not about Zim and Dib being gay. To be   
honest, that is totally out of character. For one thing,  
Zim wouldn't stoop that low. Heheh. Well, I did my share  
of flames today. Enjoy!  
  
Legal Note:  
The series Invader ZIM, its characters and events were   
created by Johnen Vasquez and produced by Nickelodeon   
and Viacom. This fiction story could not have been   
written without the credits of the original writers of  
the series. Thanks!  
  
[Cue Fade in, we see the area is the caldusac, around which Zim lives. View cues in to Zim, who is walking GIR, well-minded and focused. GIR stops to stare at the red fire hydrant located a few yards in front of the house, mezmerized. Zim spews angrily.]  
  
ZIM: [screaming] We walked 5 miles and you want to do your- [pauses] business- here?! My squeedely-spooch is throbbing from all that walking! [GIR continues his undisturbed stare. Zim moans, rolls his eyes, and turns away from the robot.] Finish whatever you're doing, GIR! I'm going inside. [GIR looks at him for a moment, as Zim begins to walk away, still in a spew. He pauses suddenly, clutching his side, moanind.] ARRGH! My squeedely-spooch! [He resumes his stance, turning toward GIR once again.] Well, hurry up already!  
  
GIR: 'Kay.. [Zim stands, watching, hands on hips. GIR steps closer to the hydrant. Zim glares impatiently, tapping his foot. Suddenly, GIR jumps ontop of the hydrant and opens his mouth, sucking on the top. Zim stares at the scene in fear-like confusion. He shakes it off quickly, recovers his stance, and marches over to the robot. He grabs the unit by its collar, pulling it off the saliva- soaked hydrant, and pulls it down the sidewalk and up the lawn, dragging all the way. He opens the door and walks inside, shutting it. GIR is left lying on its back. After a moment, the robot stands up, dusting off its dirty costume. Zim shudders, then walks over to the toilet. He climbs in, pulling the chain, flushing himself down into the lab. Downstairs, he takes out his lenses, wincing, setting them in a black case. He shuts the case, and then takes off the Elvis- like wig, setting it offscreen. He sighs, folding his hands in his lap, and falls asleep, breathing lightly.]  
  
[The bell rings, cue view inside the Skool. Zim walks in, backpack slung over one shoulder. He seems happy enough. Suddenly, he notices something odd.. Everyone was acting strangely. TOO strangely. He looked around. Everyone who was normally just plain rude was being nice! He shuddered and sat down, watching as an orange- haired kid walked past, up to the chalkboard. Zim cocked his eyebrows and looked down the rows, where Dib was sitting, spiteful as ever. Dib turned, and, seeing Zim, glared at him. Zim looked back to the board, and his face shrunk, horrified. The kid had just finished writing "Happy V-Day!" in chalk.]  
  
ZIM: [to self] V-Day?... Do they know? [looks around nervously.] Have I unknowingly been defeated? [he sees the girl behind him give a heart-shaped card to another orange-haired kid.] Wait a minute... [He looks to his left, and sees some girls talking. They stop, seeing him staring, and giggle. He gasps, then turns, seeing a boy give a girl a rose with a ribbon. He shudders, turning around. Another boy gives a girl a bunny. To be precise, it is none other than the Filler Bunny with a purple ribbon on its neck. The girl takes it, hugging it. Zim is confused for a moment by the scene. Then he shakes it off, aggrivated. He stands up ontop of his desk, waving his arms in distress, shouting.] What's going on?! [all the comotion stops, and they stare, confused. The Filler Bunny blinks. Zim looks around, seeing he ha severyone's attention, and protests.] Just exatcly what are you all DOING? [Dib looks amued, and gets up from his seat.   
  
DIB: Pretty odd that a HUMAN doesn't know what V-Day is, huh, Zim? [ as he says this, he walks over to the disturbed alien, who is still on his desk.]  
  
ZIM: [frowns, glaring] Why wouldn't I?  
  
DIB: Well, ZIM, why don't you prove your knowledge by describing [quotation fingers] "V-Day" to us?  
  
ZIM: Of course.. Whenever we conquered a new empire, we celebrated "V-Day". [as he says this, the camera slowly zooms in on him. Then, a flashback ensues, and ZIm is in a black, gray background in regular form, grinning slyly. The camera zooms around to a desolated area, smoking, debree settling on the ash-covered ground, Zim standing proudly in the foreground, hands on hips. He turns around, and the background changes to red tones. He rubs his hands greedily, and the camera zooms around to the Irken Army, the crowd of his people cheering him on.] We've conquered another world, and yet another race will now be miserable slaves of the Irkens! [the crowd roars. Zim puts his hand up and the crowd freezes. He whispers to the camera.] I've always wanted to do that. [He lowers his hand slowly, and the crowd resumes the noiseyness. He grins evilly.]  
  
ZIM: [laughing] Mmm-hmm-hmm.. Bwahaha! Ahahahahaha-! [as he laughs, the flashback stops, and Zim is still on his desk, laughing insanely.] Bwah-hahahaha-au! [his laughter cuts short as he opens his eyes, realizing the entire class is staring at him. One of the kids suddenly responds, his voice accompanied by a German accent.]  
  
KID: Aoh! You are frum Germany too, yah? [Zim stares at him. He jumps off the desk as the class resumes.]  
  
DIB: [sarcastically] Oh, YEAH, right! That's EXACTLY what we're doing! V-Day, [twirls around girlishly and sighs] so WONDERFUL! [Zim flames with confusion and anger.] But, V-Day is about war and conquest! Not about, [glares around] FLOWERS, and-and CARDS, and- [pauses, then points to the girl and the Filler Bunny furiously.] BUNNIES! [he smacks his hands over his mouth, knowing he caused a scene. Dib holds in a muffled laugh, then glances around.]  
  
DIB: [whispering to Zim] Hey, that's all well and good, but here, we celebrate "V-Day" differently. For instance, on "V-Day", you ALWAYS pretend to hate EVERYBODY.  
  
ZIM: [unsure] EVERYBODY?  
  
DIB: [nods] EVERYBODY. [Zim looks defeated for a moment, but he quickly resumes his suspicious persona, glancing at the smirking Dib, untrusting.]  
  
ZIM: Pfft! Like I'd believe the puny, scummy likes of YOU, Earth filth! [ a girl is just approaching Dib from behind with a heart card. Dib cannot contain himself.]  
  
DIB: [raging, pointing at Zim.] HEY! Just because I haven't showever in a few days DOESN't mean that I'm scummy FILTH! [he suddenly realizes what he just said, as everyone around him freezes. He smiles nervously. The girl stops, backing away slowly, then drops the cards and runs, shreiking. Zim snickers.]  
  
ZIM: I'll play along with your planet's dumb little game, DIB. I see that this is a day for... [shudders] ROMANCE and things of that sort. Don't take me for a fool, human. [he walks away, past a bewildered Dib.] If anything, it is you who is the fool. [he walks down the aisle and arrives at a table in the back. Two girls are whispering, one blonde-haired and the other red-haired. As he stops, they see him and giggle. He cocks an eyebrow, keeping watch of them from the corner of his eye, and picks up a piece of red construction paper. He looks it over, then picks up a pair of scissors by the sharp end, sticking the paper inbetween the handles. He pushes them, twisting them, then glances at the girls, who are giggling again. He turns to the kid nearest him, seeing that he is holding the scissors by the other end. His face shows he realizes the mistake, and he takes the scissors by the handles, and begins cutting at superspeed. The two girls stare, awed by his talent as he pulls a piece of tape from offscreen, smacks down a piece of lace onto it, placing the tape over it, and then sliding his finger over it to make it stick. He smiles, satisfied, then holds up the card proudly. It gleams in the sunlight, laced up, virtually perfect, saying "I Love You". It is a true masterpiece. Several other guys around stare in disbelief, as their cards droop. Around Zim, the girls drop their cards, rushing toward him, screaming. He lowers the card in confusion as they surround him. Then, they all start babbling on all at once.]  
  
GIRL 1: Oh, for me, Zim? You shouldn't have! [she stares at the card, starry-eyed.]  
  
ZIM: Hmm? [Suddenly, he is flooded by more girls.] AAAAAAAAHHHH-! [Dib laughs hysterically, falling on the floor. In all the comotion, Zim manages to make out the laughter, and his rage takes over. He begins to literally throw girls out of his range.] MOVE YOUR CARCASSES NOW! I MEAN IT! MOVE! ARGH! GET OUT OF MY WAY OR FEEL MY DOOM FIST AS IT COMES DOWN ON YOU! [He finally appears out of the flood of frightened girls, glaring, panting. Dib's laughing ceases. He gets up, staring, uncertain.] YOU! [Zim pointed, walking toward him.] You have made a fool of me for the LAST time, DIB! [He lowers his voice, as his finger flips Dib in the nose. Dib rubs it, as he backs away.] You laugh at what you think is misfortune, but to them, [he holds up the card in triumph] to THEM, I reign surpreme and you're at the bottom of the V-Day FOOD CHAIN! [Dib's mouth drops, as he lifts a shakey finger, pointing. Zim cocks an eyebrow, and turns around. He, too begins shaking, as the girls have closed in on him, furious. One of them steps forward, a girl with brown hair.]  
  
GIRL: [lowering her tone] Give up the card. [Zim clings to it.]  
  
ZIM: Or what? [He smirks.]  
  
GIRL: [pointing to the alien] GET HIM! [Zim freaks and immediately throws the card into the air, fleeing, terrified. He shreiks the whole way, running past Dib to the far end of the classroom. He faces a corner, panting, looking back to the flood of girls fighting over it.]  
  
ZIM: Phew! [he places his hand on the wall to steady himself, panting still. Suddenly, someone taps his shoulder.] Huh? [he turns around to see a little tiny girl. He screams as she pulls out a heart-shaped box. Zim is confused, then takes it suspiciously. He opens it a crack, peeking inside. He closes it, aggrivated. He then tries to humor her.] Um...Why did you give me poop in a box, little girl? [he turns around as he is saying this and realizes she is gone. Dib walks up to him, snickering.]  
  
DIB: Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day, ZIM! [Zim looks fearsome.]  
  
ZIM: V-Valentine's Day?! [the bell rings, and he remains still, shocked. He finally regains his thoughts, and, with the box, walks out the door. Outside, he is walking down the street, when we see the girl pop out from behind the bushes. He stops, hearing her, turns to look and the girl disappears. He turns and she is in front of him.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-! [suddenly, the dream stops, and Zim is screaming in his sleep. He opens his eyes, terrified, and clutches his chest, panting. He looks around, checking his whereabouts. He sighs.] No creepy girl... No Dib... No Valentine's Day. [suddenly, he hears two muffled laughs. He looks up, and realizes the transmitter screen is on. Seeing the Tallest, he stares, confused, as they snicker. Then, they burst out laughing, one of them falls off his chair, crying. Zim glances down, and gasps, seeing a red light on.] GIR! [GIR falls down from upscreen, onto his lap. He pushes him off, annoyed.] Did you leave the Thought Transmitter on AGAIN? [he points to the button. GIR follows his gesture.]  
  
GIR: Oops... [Zim sighs.]  
  
ZIM: Oh well, nothing too serious. [he gets up and walks over to the tube, only to be frightened once more. In the transport tube lies the heart-shaped box. Zim breathes deeply in, then shreiks.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-! [cue fade out, we still hear Zim.] 


	2. THE DAY I FELL IN LOVE WITH A FIRE HYDRA...

Invader ZIM  
  
Romance...Ick-Part 1b: THE DAY I FELL IN LOVE WITH A FIRE HYDRANT  
  
Written By: Joy Jarose  
  
Author's Note:  
This series is not about Zim and Dib being gay. To be   
honest, that is totally out of character. For one thing,  
Zim wouldn't stoop that low. Heheh. Well, I did my share  
of flames today. Enjoy!  
  
Legal Note:  
The series Invader ZIM, its characters and events were   
created by Johnen Vasquez and produced by Nickelodeon   
and Viacom. This fiction story could not have been   
written without the credits of the original writers of  
the series. Thanks!  
  
[Cue fade in. We see a red frisbee fly across the screen. The camera follows it, and a black dog jumps up in the air, catching it. As the dog lands, the camera zooms in to Zim and GIR, who are walking along the sidewalk. GIR stops, and looks at the dog, who runs to its master. Zim doesn't realize it, and keeps walking, until he feels the tug of the leash and trips, falling flat on his face. He gets partway up, on his elbows, mumbling to himself angrily.]  
  
ZIM: [to self] Stupid robot unit...If it weren't for the special assignment I were on, I'd-  
  
GIR: [interrupts] Can we do that? [points to another dog, who catches the frisbee. Zim gets up, watching, hands on hips. The black dog is standing 10 feet or so from its master. The man throws the red frisbee, and the dog leaps up to meet it. Then, it brings it back to the master and he throws it once again. Zim becomes aggrivated.]  
  
ZIM: P'uh! Stupid lousy good-for-nothing humans! What's the point of this? [during the next sentence, it slowly zooms in on Zim.] The boy throws the flying...disc.. thing... The dog jumps up and catches it... The dog brings it back... [faster] The boy throws the flying disc thing.. The dog jumps up and catches it.. The dog brings it back.. [even faster] THE BOY THROWS THE FLYING DISC THING!! THE DOG JUMPS UP AND CATCHES IT!! THE DOG BRINGS IT BACK!! [he shakes his head] IT'S PURE MADNESS, I TELL YOU! MADNESS! [the camera zooms out as he screams the last word, and people in the park stop to stare at him. Zim looks around, annoyed.] What's the matter with all of you? Have you gone insane?! [the boy holding the disc blinks.] What?  
  
BOY: Here, dude... [the boy throws the disc to Zim. He tries to catch it, but it flies over him despite his efforts to jump. He growls angrily.]  
  
ZIM: [in a low voice] You did that on purpose. [Zim starts to reach into his pack for something, but the boy backs away, offscreen. Zim, still angry, fumes and walks over to the disc. He picks it up, looking it over. Then, he shouts to GIR.] Hey, GIR! Catch! [he throws it and the disc flies to GIR, who doesn't attempt to move. The disc bounces off GIR's eyeballs. He doesn't even move an inch, not even to blink. Zim stares, then walks over to the immobile robot.] GIR? [he waves a hand in front of the unit. Then, he looks toward the robot's gaze, and sees something. His look quickly changes from confused to annoyed. We see a fire hydrant, red in color. Suddenly, GIR speaks.]  
  
GIR: Wo-o-o-o-ow. [Zim becomes a bit frightened by the robot's stance. Suddenly, the robot starts running toward the hydrant in slow-mo, mouth wide open, saliva flying from its tongue. The traditional music is playing in the background. GIR holds out his paws, and the slow- motion quickly ends when he crashes into the fire hydrant, falling on his back.] Uh! [Zim runs over to him, then looks down at him. GIR blinks, then gets up.]  
  
ZIM: What was that all about?! [GIR looks at him.]  
  
GIR: Oh, master! It's like they always say it is on TV! I'm in love. [he sighs, and hugs the hydrant. Zim is totally confused now.]  
  
ZIM: [his look changes to angered] LOVE? You can't be in love with that inanimate object! It's a FIRE HYDRANT, GIR! [slowly] A Fi-re hy-drant! Do you understand? [GIR just stays where he is. Zim sighs.] I've had enough of your shenanigans for today. Now take your paws off that urine-soaked thing and lets go. [GIR blinks, but doesn't let go of the hydrant. Zim lowers his tone, glaring at the robot] I said, let's go. [GIR suddenly is overcome with anger and turns away from his master.]  
  
GIR: No. [Zim is suprised, then screams an order at the stubborn unit.]  
  
ZIM: NOW, GIR! I order you to let go of that-that nasty, disgusting ground-driven piece of CRAP! [GIR lets go finally, but not as Zim planned. He stands in front of the hydrant, "protecting" it.]  
  
GIR: It's not crap! It's my friend, and if I go home, it goes home with me! [Zim glares.]  
  
ZIM: [lowered tone] Oh, really? [The scene switches to Zim at the head, pulling the leash of an unseen GIR. He is stopped, and turns around, moaning. GIR is pulling the hydrant along, inch by inch.]   
  
GIR: See? It's not so bad! [Zim's expression lightens a little.]  
  
ZIM: I guess not. [GIR glares at Zim]  
  
GIR: I wasn't talking to YOU! I was talking to Meredith! [Zim stares at him as they walk slowly up the lawn.]  
  
ZIM: [his face wrinkles] Meredith?...   
[Inside, we see an angry out-of-disguise Zim face. He squints his eyes, and the camera zooms out and we see he is sitting with GIR and...uh... Meredith, watching television. The camera turns to the TV, and we see the show playing is none other than "The Scary Monkey Show". There are 3 little black lines next to the monkey.]  
  
GIR: [smiling] I love this show..  
  
ZIM: [to noone in particular] What is the point of this nonsense? All that monkey does is stare at the screen, breathing, maybe making a face sometimes, but otherwise, that's it!  
  
GIR: [disgaurding his remark] Nah... He grows, too! See? since last time, he grew an inch! [GIR points to the three lines on the TV.] Whoops, gotta change it! [he pulls a marker from behind him and hops off the couch, squeaking over to the TV, drawing another line above the first three.] There. [He squeaks back, and jumps onto the couch, merrily. Zim sighs]  
  
ZIM: What else is on? [He reaches over to grab the remote, which is inbetween GIR and... Meredith. GIR grabs it, and Zim pulls angrily.] Rrgh! GIR, what are you doing? Give me the remote! [GIR pulls back]  
  
GIR: No! It's Meredith's! [Zim stops pulling, but is still clinging to the remote.]  
  
ZIM: What?   
  
GIR: I gave it to her as a present! Now gimme it! [Zim pulls again, as does GIR. Suddenly, Zim grins, and lets go, leaving GIR flying backward. He lands on the floor with a thud.]  
  
ZIM: Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Inferior robot slave! [he jumps off the couch and walks into the kitchen, offscreen.] I'll be downstairs, GIR. [GIR lies on the floor and tears well in his eyes. Zim appears from around the corner.] GIR? [The robot lies there. Zim looks worried and steps out from behind the ledge, and walks over to it.]  
  
GIR: Wh-why don't you l-l-like Mere-[gasps] Mere-dith? [Zim makes a face, then glances to the hydrant, sitting on the couch. He turns back.]  
  
ZIM: GIR, Meredith is a fire hydrant. It smells funny, it isn't living, and it's REALLY heavy! [GIR sits up, wiping his eye.]  
  
GIR: But that doesn't mean you can't like her! [He stands up.] Please?.. [Zim glances back to the hydrant, then back to GIR, then sighs.]  
  
ZIM: Fine...I- like Meredith. Happy? [GIR smiles, joyous.]  
  
GIR: Yay! [he looks sad for a moment again. Zim sighs.]  
  
ZIM: NOW what?  
  
GIR: [holds out his arms] I need a hug. [Zim shakes his hands, backing away.]  
  
ZIM: No! No, GIR! [from offscreen] You've been hugging that hydrant! NO! PLEASE, GIR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!  
[cue fade out]  
  



	3. THE NEW RECRUIT

Invader ZIM  
  
Romance...Ick-Part 1: HEAD SPOOLINGS  
  
Written By: Joy Jarose  
Comments? Flames? I got a fire-proof suit, so I'm ready for 'em!  
MidNitevision@juno.com  
  
Author's Note:  
This series is not about Zim and Dib being gay. To be   
honest, that is totally out of character. For one thing,  
Zim wouldn't stoop that low. Heheh. Well, I did my share  
of flames today. Enjoy!  
  
Legal Note:  
The series Invader ZIM, its characters and events were   
created by Johnen Vasquez and produced by Nickelodeon   
and Viacom. This fiction story could not have been   
written without the credits of the original writers of  
the series. Thanks!  
  
[the scene opens to GIR, who is running around the kitchen squealing in its high-pitched tone.]  
  
GIR: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! [He jumps on the couch, and starts to sing.] Me-re-dith! Me-re-dith! Me-re Me-re Me-re-dith! [the view zooms downstairs, where Zim is on his computer doing some research. He glances up, annoyed.]  
  
ZIM: [moans] Meredith... [he continues typing on his computer. The view quickly changes to the sky, somewhere outside the Earth's atmosphere. We see a ship similar to Zim's but with the symbol of Irk stripped from all sides of it. View cues inside. A shadowed alien's face glares at the planet, seemingly angered. Then it reaches out with one gloved finger extended, and presses a button. The ship begins to veer toward the planet. Back inside, the eyes of the alien are revealed from the shadows, similar to Zim's only rounder, and accompanied by 3 eyelashes apiece. Again, the alien presses a button and on the control panel, an image of Zim appears, working hard down in his lab.]  
  
ALIEN: [laughing under breath] Hmm-hmm-hmm... Zim. [Suddenly, we hear an alarm go off, blaring. The alien glances up, vaguely interested, when suddenly the ship veers sideways as a small meteor hits it. The alien freaks as she is roughly shoved to one side of the ship, then falls to the other. We can see her clearly now. She is in fact, Irken, wearing a suit similar to Zim's. Her eyes are toned pink, and her head is a little bit tall. Her body suit is solid maroon, the same as Zim's, and her boots and gloves are black, trimmed in a pointed design in places. She gets up, and the ship rocks again, throwing her to the other side.] Oof! [She stables herself as the ship slowly stops, floating. She gets up, then jumps over some minor dibree and begins typing something into the control panel. The screen shows the outside of the ship. She gasps, then turns to another screen and presses a button near it. Somewhere in space, we see the main Irken ship, and a computer-like voice is heard as the view turns to inside the ship, where a large screen says "INCOMING TRANSMISSION".]  
  
COMPUTER: Incoming transmission from Voot Rider #347. [The Tallest look on with interest in their seats at the center.]  
  
RED: [turning to other] Do you keep track of the numbers anymore?   
  
PURPLE: Nah!  
  
RED: [turning back to the screen] Me neither. [The alien appears on the screen.]  
  
ALIEN: Sirs! Invader Kez, reporting damage on Voot Rider 347! [Purple rolls his eyes]  
  
PURPLE: We knew THAT alrea- [realizing] DAMAGE? WHAT?!  
  
RED: [groans] Those ships are EXPENSIVE, Kez! What happened?  
  
KEZ: [saluting, standing at attention] Sirs! I was just about to proceed to Earth, when a meteor struck the ship by the side, hurling it out.   
  
PURPLE: Do you still have the tracker attached to your ship?  
  
KEZ: Sirs! I will check! [turns to the control panel, typing in something. She reads the screen over, then turns back.] Tracker reported missing by the systems log, sirs! [Purple looks to Red, then shrugs.]  
  
PURPLE: If we don't know your location, then...  
  
RED: [finishing his sentence] There's really nothing we can do.   
  
KEZ: [thinking] Sirs, I MIGHT be able to coast it to Earth, and then I could make the proper repairs there..   
  
PURPLE: Good, you do that.  
  
KEZ: Very well, Sirs! [salutes] Invader Kez, signing off! [the screen turns to static. Back onboard the ship, Kez warms up her fingers, then begins to press buttons and type things into the panel.] A short alignment to the left... and that should do it! [she sits back, relaxing, sighs.]  
  
COMPUTER: Initiating back-up status. Back-up mode: on.  
  
KEZ: [watches as the ship begins slowly to veer toward Earth] Now hopefully he won't be too terrified by my presence... Heheheh... [The ship veers off, and Kez is now in the Earth's atmosphere. She looks around outside the ship, wondering.] Now, where can one find a deserted place on this.. stinking planet, uh! [she fans the air infront of her face. Her face lights up as she sees a strange-looking house.] Must be Zim's place... You'd think he'd know enough to have a backyard.. [She gently lands the ship on the slanted roof. The landing shakes the entire house, and downstairs, Zim falls off his seat. He gets up, looking up, partly frightened, partly angered.]  
  
ZIM: GIR! What are you doing? STOP! I'm trying to- [he is cut off by more shaking, and falls down. He gets up on his hands and knees, crawling low, worried, and climbs up to his chair, clinging to it.] GIR! This isn't funny! Stop immediately! [the rumbling stops and he lets go.] Huh? [He jumps off his chair, cautiously, then makes a run for the transport tube. He jumps in, and upstairs, climbs out of the trash can. GIR is nowhere to be seen.] GIR? [he looks around, cautiously, then runs into the main room, looking around. He starts backing toward the door, alert, when suddenly there's a knock on the door. He shreiks, then pants. He looks around, and the knock is heard again. He steps toward it carefully and opens it a crack to look. Outside there is nothing. He opens the door the rest of the way, and looks around. Annoyed, he turns around, about to shut the door.]  
  
KEZ: [from offscreen] Hello, ZIM. [Zim turns around and sees Kez hanging from the top of his doorway.]  
  
ZIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [he stops, shaking off his fright, recognizing her.] Kez? [the alien jumps down from the doorway in front of Zim.]  
  
KEZ: [taunting] That's my name, don't wear it out. [sticks out tongue. Zim becomes furious. In the background, GIR walks over to the couch and sits down.]  
  
ZIM: What are you doing here? This is MY secret mission! I don't need YOU barging in here! [demanding] Do the Tallest know about this?  
  
KEZ: [sly grin] They sent me.. [Zim looks surprised, then doubtful.] To help your failing mission. [Zim holds in his rage] They felt sorry for you. [more rage] But who doesn't feel sorry for a pathetic little sap like you? [He shakes angrily, then explodes.]  
  
ZIM: SHUT UP! [he spews over to the couch, sitting down. Suddenly he realizes GIR is sitting next to him.] GIR?! Where were you? I demand to know why you refused to answer me! [GIR looks at him]  
  
GIR: What? [Zim smacks his forehead.]  
  
ZIM: [sighs, then pouts.]  
  
KEZ: You might as well get used to me, [walks over to the couch and puts her hand on one side of the armrest.] I'm here to stay. My assignment is to help you improve the quality of your mission, make it more believable. [Zim glares at her, still pouting.]  
  
ZIM: It IS believable! Now leave me alone! [Kez gives a fake sigh]  
  
KEZ: Very well, but I warned you. [Zim watches her as she walks into the kitchen, looking around. She sees the poster on the wall, amused. To self.] I eat food? Heheh, what stupidity. [Zim hears her and slumps down farther, angry.]   
  
ZIM: [mumbling to self] Stupid, lousy, good-for-nothing FEMALES. Rarely is there a feminine Invader, but no, no, the Tallest had to give me KEZ, Kez the loyal, Kez the magnificent, Kez, the one who accompanied me on my hideous stay on that horrible planet.. always getting me into trouble, breaking the rules... [he looks sad as a flashback ensues. Zim is now dressed in a hat and apron that say "Property of Foodcourtia. He is standing, when a tall, purple, octopus-like alien appears from behind him.]  
  
ALIEN: Get to work, SLAVE! [hits him in the head. Zim rubs it, and the scene changes to a table, where a bunch of different aliens are sitting. His stomach rumbles, and he clutches it. He looks overjoyed for a moment as a plate is set down in front of him. His joy quickly turns to sadness, however, because there isn't anything but a small capsule there. The scene changes again to a line of banished Irken workers, walking bent-over, tired, all moaning. Zim stops for a moment, clutching his abdominal area, and a whip is cracked over his back. He falls, then unsteadily, gets up, and continues on. Suddenly, an alien, apparently Kez, appears from behind a tube in the background.  
  
KEZ: Psst! [Zim turns, watching her as he staggers on] Hey Zim! Over here! [Zim looks right, left, then bolts to the tube. They run off snickering. The flashback stops with a flash, and Zim is sitting on the couch, shivering in fright.]  
  
ZIM: If only I hadn't been so STUPID as to befriend that pitiful excuse for an Invader! [he glances to Kez, who is still exploring the kitchen. She opens the trashcan, and looks down it.]  
  
KEZ: Hey, what's in here? [Zim jumps off the couch, running at her.]  
  
ZIM: HEY! Get away from there! [she bends over farther to look down.]  
  
KEZ: Why? [suddenly, she loses balance, and falls down the tube headfirst.] Wooooooooaaaaa-! [she slides out the tube, on her back, lying on the floor of the lab. She looks around, actually awed by its appearance. Back upstairs, Zim jumps in, sliding down the tube as well. He lands feet-first, and looks around. Silence.]  
  
ZIM: Kez? [he listens for a moment.] Kez... [he begins walking backward, then bumps into a piece of machinery. He gasps, turns and realizes. Suddenly, a black figure hurls down in front of him, hissing.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! [as he shreiks he runs for the tube, the figure gaining. It reaches the tube and stands in front of him, as the light hits it, Zim realizes it's nothing more than Kez. He is not amused, and spews angrily, as she laughs triumphantly.]  
  
KEZ: [smacking him on the back] Lighten up, Zim! We did that all the time back home! [Zim stays silent and stomps over to the computer, jumps in his seat, and folds his arms, pouting again.] God, you sure matured since we last met.. [She looks around anxiously.] So, did you build all this yourself? [she walks offscreen.]  
  
ZIM: [turning to watch her] Maybe... [she walks back to his chair and rests her arm on Zim's head. He spews even more.]  
  
KEZ: It's kind-of eerie, isn't it? Reminds me of Irk when you half-destroyed it.. [Zim scowls at her remark, then pushes her away.]  
  
ZIM: Be quiet!! That wasn't my fault!   
  
KEZ: All right, all right! Sheesh! [walks over to the tube.] Talk about guys not bein' able to admit when they're wrong... [she climbs into the transport tube and it lifts up, surprising her. Zim snickers. She watches in awe as she is lifted up to the ground floor.] Neat-.  
  
ZIM: [suddenly realizes] HEY! Don't touch anything up there! [he hops off his seat and runs to the tube. Upstairs, Kez is in the kitchen again, looking around. Zim appears out of the trash can.]  
  
KEZ: So what do you do for a disguise on this planet? The usual?..  
  
ZIM: I dunno...I guess. [he stares at her uncomfortably.] Where do you plan to sleep? [Kez glances out to the front room, then back to Zim.]  
  
KEZ: In a bedroom, stupid... [she runs offscreen, and we hear a door slam. Zim ponders to himself, wondering.]  
  
ZIM: Bedroom...? [a tiny sound is heard and we see bits of what looks like paint fall from up offscreen. Zim looks up.] Huh?... [Suddenly, an alarm sounds and he screams.] KEZ!!! WHAT ARE YOU- [he gasps as the tubes covering his ceiling are covered by a piece of wood, creating a ceiling.] NOOO! MY TUBES! My PRECIOUS TUBES! [he jumped, trying hard to grab one of them.] STOOOOOP! PLEAAAASE! [a staircase suddenly appears next to the TV and Zim screams.] AAAAAAAAAAAH! [he lies down on his knees, cowering, covering his head in agony. Suddenly the alarm stops, Zim is still shivering with fright. We hear the door creak open, and slam. Steps are heard, and Zim looks up to see two black booted feet. The camera zooms up to reveal a green-skinned girl, with bulging round eyes and violet-colored pupils, along with a mess of blue hair pulled back in a pony-tail. Zim shreiks again.] AAAAAAH! MY DISGUISE! WHERE IS MY DISGUISE?! [he stands up, backing away. She looks amused.] GET AWAY FROM ME! IF YOU TELL ANYONE WHAT YOU SAW, I SWEAR I- I'll- JUST STAY AWAY FROM MEEE! [he pants, bending over. The girl just snickers.]  
  
KEZ: You idiotic fool! I guess if this fooled you, it's bound to fool the lowly things that dwell here. [Zim stops.]  
  
ZIM: Don't EVER, EVER do that to me!! I am an Invader!   
  
KEZ: So am I! And I'm TALLER than you, so nya! [she sticks out her tongue, bending over. Zim glares at her angrily. The scene switches to Zim in his disguise, the background is a sky with a few clouds in passing. The view Zooms out and he is standing next to Kez on the sidewalk at the Skool. He glares around, not really caring if his "partner" gets caught, then proceeds to the stairs, jumping up them, skipping one at a time. Kez grins and follows, skipping two at a time. She gets to the top, and Zim fumes angrily.]  
  
ZIM: [mumbles] Show-off... [the bell rings, and Ms. Bitters and Kez are standing at the front of the normal classroom.]  
  
MS. BITTERS: I WOULD like to introduce you to another wretched student in this class, but she has asked that she be introducing herself. Kez? [nods to her, Kez turns to the class, glaring.]  
  
KEZ: My name is Kez, and I have a very simple sentence for you: Touch me and you DIE. [she storms over to Zim and down his aisle. She grabs the girl behind him by the shirt collar and throws her out of her seat, sitting down. One of the kids near her is staring. She lowers her eyes at him.] What are YOU lookin' at, wuss?! [the kid quickly shifts his gaze to the front of the room, where Ms. Bitters has seated herself in her desk.]  
  
MS. BITTERS: Today, we are going to discuss the mating habits of... [she gestures to the board] snakes.   
  
KEZ: BO-RING! [the teacher lowers her eyes.]  
  
MS. BITTERS: You're excused, Kez. [Kez looks around, nervously, then replies.]  
  
KEZ: What?  
  
MS. BITTERS: Go to the Principal's Office NOW, Kez. You are EXCUSED! [Kez, angry, gets out of her seat and storms out of the room. From offscreen, she hears Ms. Bitters call to her.] You forgot your hall pass!  
  
KEZ: WHO CARES?! [Down the hall she looks around until she reaches a big circle. Without thinking, she flings the door open.] I'm here to see this so-called "Principal"! Now WHERE ARE THEY?! [the secretary blinks, then gestures to a row of chairs where several kids are seated.]   
  
SECRETARY: Please take a seat. [Kez slams the door shut. The woman's glasses shift down a bit from the tremor of it, and she pushes them up, annoyed, glaring at the now seated Kez.]  
  
KEZ: WHAT?! Why does everybody have to STARE at me all the time?! [the other 3 kids in the row quickly glance away as she looks at them, then back to herself, pouting. The camera veers up to the clock, which says 8:35. It changes to 9:15, and the camera zooms back down to Kez, who is using one of the kids' heads as an armrest. He is the only one left of the group. Suddenly, she sits up as someone bursts through the door. He is a tall man with orange hair, partly bald.]  
  
MAN: Hel-loooo everybody! Put on a happy face, [he runs over to a horrified Kez, jabbing his elbow in here.] Cuz your Princi-PAL is here!! [she stares in disbelief at the idiot before her.] Aah, and you MUST be Kez. [she cocks her eyes at him, annoyed.] I'm Jerry, but school regulation requires you to call me Grizzlouski, aka Mr. G![he jumps in front of Kez, flailing his arms. She looks on, disgusted, staring.] Now, I want your honest reaction to me! I'm usually great with first impressions! [she shifted her eyes]  
  
KEZ: I... don't think you want my honest reaction...   
  
MR. G: Oh, yes I do!   
  
KEZ: You sure?  
  
MR. G: Hey, I'm your Princi-PAL, aren't I?! [she shrugs and takes him in a headlock, punching his face.] Ow. [punch] You're [punch] new [punch] to [punch] America [punch] aren't [punch] you? [she releases him.]  
  
KEZ: That's about as honest as I can get without any bloodshed. [Mr. G stands, rubbing his bright-colored cheek.]  
  
MR. G: Well, I can't get ya wrong there! [he pauses] I think... [he ponders, then motions for Kez to come, turning to the door.] Let's take a little time to talk, um.. What was your name, again?  
  
KEZ: [pause] Kez. [he walks into the office and she follows, closing the door. Inside, he takes a seat at a black, cluttered desk, then gestures to a chair in front of it.]  
  
MR. G: Please- sit down, Kez! [She reluctantly takes the seat, then looks around.]  
  
KEZ: [to self] Man, this place REEKS of pencils! [she fans the air around her.]  
  
MR. G: Okay, now, you're from who's class?  
  
KEZ: [puts hand down] Ms. Bitters...  
  
MR. G: Oh, now I just feel really bad for you there, Kez.. Ms. Bitters can be awefully strict. What did she send you here for...  
  
KEZ: [shrugs] Dunno.  
  
MR. G: [trying to be modest] Heheheheh... Kez- [pause] You must have done SOMETHING to make her send you to ME.  
  
KEZ: Fine.. I told her that what she was teaching was BORING, because it WAS!  
  
MR. G: That's GREAT! We strongly support the opinions of our students here! [explanitory] But sometimes, Kez, we need to keep our opinions to ourselves... okay? [Kez stares. The view changes to outside the office. We hear a loud "WHAP" and the door opens, revealing Kez. She walks out, and Mr. G appears from behind the door, rubbing his cheek.] It was nice meeting you, too!  
  
[she walks out the office and the bell rings.]  
  
KEZ: Mm? [suddenly she is flooded by kids running all over the hall. One of them shoves her aside. She pushes him back.] HEY, watch it, DWEEB! [she grabs the kid by his shirt collar.]  
  
KID: Woaaa! [she begins using the kid as a shield and pushes her way to Ms. Bitters' classroom. She dropped the kid, and he ran away, sobbing. She peered into the classroom, scanning it. There was no one in sight]  
  
KEZ: [to self] Empty... [Zim walks down the hallway and is a bit relieved to spy Kez staring at the empty classroom.]  
  
ZIM: Where have you BEEN, Kez? I've been looking all over for you! [Kez turns around, a bit annoyed.]  
  
KEZ: I've been meeting with.. [she glares no where in particular] Mr. G. [she narrows her eyes as she says the name of the principal. Zim cocks his eyebrows then tugs on her shirt sleeve.]  
  
ZIM: C'mon, Kez! We're gonna miss lunch! [she follows him, still stunned by the empty classroom. She finally shakes it off, running to catch up with him.]  
  
KEZ: Lunch? [Zim gestures to the cafeteria]  
  
ZIM: Lunch... [there are rows of tables and children from all age groups sitting at them, some with paper bags, others with trays of hot steaming food.] Not one of the best classes around here.. But it's required as part of the day.   
  
KEZ: [staring around as they enter] What a waste of time... [they begin to walk past Dib.]  
  
ZIM: I usually just sit.. The food here is horrible. [Dib notices, and narrows his eyes.]  
  
DIB: Hello, ZIM. [Zim stops, annoyed.]  
  
ZIM: Do we have to do this EVERYDAY?! It's getting kind-of old, DIB.. [Dib smirks.]  
  
DIB: Oh, but why don't you introduce me to your ALIEN friend? [Zim turns.]  
  
ZIM: Give it up, Dib.. Kez is a- [pauses, then looks around, searching. He spies the German kid and gets an idea.] a foreign exchange student.. YES! [Kez stares at Zim, amused.]  
  
DIB: Oh, and what country might ol' violet-eyes be from?  
  
ZIM: [thinking] Uh- I... Um... [he turns to Kez.]  
  
KEZ: [walks up to Dib, grabbing him by the collar of his straight-faced shirt.] You buffoon! Why the hell would I tell you where I'm from? You might FOLLOW me and then I'd have to send your DILAPIDATED corpse back to your house through air-mail! [Dib looks frightened, and Gaz looks up, amused at Dib's torture. Kez drops Dib back in his seat, and she begins to follow Zim, who walks away. As she does, Gaz suddenly gets up, chasing after Kez.]  
  
GAZ: Hey, wait a sec! [Kez turns around to see the purple-haired girl stop a few feet before her.] What you did back there.. That was great! [Kez stares, slightly unsure.]  
  
KEZ: What's it to ya?  
  
GAZ: Oh, sorry! My name is Gaz. [she holds out her hand. Kez stares, not knowing the common gesture. Gaz pulls it back, confused.] Um, would you like to sit with me? [she points to the table where a still shocked Dib sits alone with 2 plates of cafeteria food. Zim has reached the table and is waving to Kez.]   
  
ZIM: C'mon, Kez! Over here! [she glances at him breifly, then back to the awaiting Gaz.]  
  
KEZ: N'ah. I gotta watch out for him. [gestures to Zim.] [pause] Since no one else will. [Gaz nods]  
  
GAZ: Yah, I have the same problem. [she gestures to Dib.]   
  
KEZ: What is he, your slave or something? [Gaz snickers.]  
  
GAZ: No, he's my brother. Well, if you want, I can come sit with you! [Kez stares at Gaz for a moment, who grins. She then accepts, smiling.]  
  
KEZ: Sure!   
  
DIB: [offscreen, moans.] I hate cafeteria food! [Gaz turns toward the sound, then rolls her eyes.]  
  
GAZ: Hold on, I gotta take care of the little lost PEE- BRAIN. [she walks over to Dib, and grabs him by the collar of his trenchcoat, in the other hand, she takes the lunch trays. She pulls him off the bench and drags him down the aisle, meeting Kez once again.]  
  
DIB: [as he is dragged] Why is it that people seem to think I LIKE being pulled on?!   
  
GAZ: Shut up, Dib. [Dib rolls his eyes, allowing his kid sister to continue, and looks up. He spies the bobbing hair of Kez, blue and oddly-shaped into a tail. He stares, cocking an eye, trying to decipher it.]  
  
DIB: [to self, as he tilts his head] Kinda looks like a fish... [suddenly, Gaz lets go of his collar, and his head drops with a thud. She seats herself, as does Kez. Dib gets up, rubbing his head. Kez sits down next to Zim. Dib, realizing the only seat left is across from Zim, reluctantly sits. Zim immediately glares at him angrily. Dib glares back.]  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
